Billy Connolly’s Desiderata

• Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

• Have lots of long lie-ins

• Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age do it in the other direction; tell people you’re 97 and they’ll think you look fucking great.

• Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swim away.

• Never eat food that comes in a bucket.

• If you don’t know how to meditate at least try to spend some time everyday just sitting.

• Boo joggers

• Don’t work out, work in.

• Play the banjo

• Sleep with someone you like

• Eat plenty of liquorice

• Try to live in a place you like

• Marry someone you like

• Try to do a job you like

• Never turn down an opportunity to shout ‘Fuck them all!’ at the top of your voice

• Avoid bigots of all descriptions

• Let your own bed become to you what the pole Star was to sailors of old…look forward to it.

• Don’t wear tight underwear on aeroplanes

• Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?…he’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes

• Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there’s spinach on them

• Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question

• Don’t pat animals with sneaky eyes.

• If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11am, start one

• Send Hieronymus Bosch prints to elderly relatives for Christmas

• Don’t be talked into wearing a uniform

• Salute nobody

• Never run with scissors or other pointy objects

• Campaign against blue smarties