The Roar of the Greasepaint! The Smell of the Crowd!

Many, many years ago, I was an extra in a movie starring Denholm Elliot set in South Africa--'Zulu Dawn'. It was the story of the Anglo-Zulu War of 1879, when the Brits still were known as Redcoats, and the Zulu Impis wiped out a British column attempting to invade Zululand; a particularily unsavoury episode in British Imperialism, it has to be said. Back when I was a callow youth, and impecunious student it seemed like a particularily terrific idea; do sod-all and get paid for it. Alright, one had to endure the occasionally-unwelcome attentions of the Boys from Wardrobe, but y'know, a quick dab of mud on the crotch (all in the interests of versimilitude you understand..) was a small price to pay. Free food! Free accomodation! The movie business! The glamour of it all! I was probably on-screen for 0.123 of a second, with a spear through the guts, but hey, it's a start.
(My pharmacist swears that I'm the spitting image of Kenneth Branagh, but then she is breath-takingly myopic.)
About 3 years ago, I was again rather short of folding money. Hell, I was short of any money, folding or otherwise. I signed up with 'Characters' to act (which is a probably over-stating it) or model for adverts, that kind of thing. Paid R350 to do a photoshoot for the portfolio. And waited for the flood of offers. And waited. Nothing. I concluded it was a scam.
But no.
Two weeks ago I got a call from my agent (sounds cool, right?) 'My agent'. 'My people will call your people.' kind-of-thing.
So, Tuesday, did a shoot at Gold Reef City for Suburban Productions, part of a documentary on the founding of the gold mining business in Jo'burg. I was a Victorian business man; embroidered waistcost, fob watch, the whole nine yards. I was astonishing. The critics raved. The crew applauded. The cast wept with wonder. If you want someone to shake hands, pour tea, smile engagingly, eat biscuits daintily, heck, I'm your man. Latest estimates are slightly better, probably 0.798 seconds, but that works out out at R1127.82 per second. What do you earn? No mud-in-the-crotch, but Ivan (the new Boy from Wardrobe) thought I looked DIVINE.
So. Move over Branagh. Lecter was lovely, Anthony, but enough already--Blue's coming.
If you simply MUST have a signed 9"x4", talk to my agent.
Thank you. I love you all.